Questionable Advice January 2023
By Nobody Important
I’m sinking into despair. Can you help? The reason is that my partner and my two teenage daughters don’t seem to love me. I mean, they tell me they love me, but all evidence is to the contrary. More specifically, on many occasions I’ve made clear how the dishwasher needs to be loaded. I’ve demonstrated how to place the utensils. I’ve praised when they occasionally do it properly. I’ve corrected when they do it improperly. But, in the end, it seems that they just don’t care what I say and put the utensils wherever they feel like. Forks can’t reliably be found with other forks. Upside-down knives lie next to right-side-up knives. And the curves of spoons back onto the curves of other spoons, instead of spooning them like God intended. How can my family profess to love me when they violate me every day with their thoughtless behaviour?
Yours, Unloved and Unhappy
Dear Unloved and Unhappy,
I have good news. The fact that your partner and daughters load your dishwasher chaotically does not mean that you are unloved. But the bad news is that they are really hideous people. After all, there is a right way to load dishwashers, and every normal, civilized person knows what that is. It is a serious moral failure to violate this truth. Even if these people love you, my advice is to cut your losses. Please consider having nothing more to do with them.
That’s very good advice, don’t you think. I’m glad that you specified that this problem is just about the dishwasher. Because most often the letters I get about being properly organized are from bizarro freaks who also think it’s important to, for example, store the shoes in such and such a way, unerringly place the food in the fridge on the proper shelves, and only allow designated items to stay on the kitchen counter. If you would have included those kinds of example I would have written that you are the problem and you should just leave your poor family alone. I am right about that aren’t I? You don’t get riled up about proper order except in the very legitimate situation of the dishwasher?
Oh my goodness, I hope I haven’t made an awful mistake!
Special Hot Tip: If it turns out you have excessive needs for control, and if you are willing to undertake the unlikely possibility of personal change, don’t waste money by going to a therapist. Instead, try being deliberately chaotic when you load the dishwasher. Ask your family to supervise how well you’re doing. Maybe there could be a (very messy) pot at the end of this rainbow?
The views offered by Nobody Important are not shared by Bluffs Monitor, nor should they be mistaken for credible professional information.
Nobody Important (aka Dr. Ross Gray) is author of Gallivanting Through DOOM and How to Be an Oldster, both available on Amazon. He has his very own website, www.nobodyimportant.ca.
Questionable Advice December 2022
Dear Nobody Important.
I have this horrible problem and it’s my wife. Over the years she’s gotten more and more impatient with me, and starts to flinch every time I open my mouth. I admit I’m a talkative kind of guy, but that’s just because I’m good at expressing myself and I’m smart enough to know all kinds of neat things that other people should know about. It’s especially bad when we go out and socialize. Even though I’m the life of the party, she just scowls at me. I’m thinking maybe I should find myself a different wife who would appreciate all I have to give. Don’t you agree?
Yours, Terribly Misunderstood
Dear Terribly Misunderstood.
The reason that you are misunderstood is that you don’t know the first thing about love relationships. I’m betting that you haven’t even read The Five Love Languages, which outlines how different people feel loved. Some people mostly feel loved when they are told nice things, some when they get gifts, some when they get quality time, some when they have physical touch, and some when people do things to help them. Now this list of love languages is just some writer’s idea so it’s not the final word. Even though non-stop talking isn’t on the official list of love languages, it is possible that there’s somebody out there who would be turned on by a total blabbermouth. You could go looking for that special person. Good luck with that. But, first, have you ever even asked yourself what your wife’s language of love is? What does she want? Let me give you a top-notch professional opinion. I think your wife’s love language is silence. If you want to make your wife feel loved, which, by the way, might make her more receptive to your endless, tedious, romantic advances, you should practice silence. See how long you can sit over dinner without saying even one thing. Talk about building an erotic charge! Try it out.
Special Hot Tip: After eleven dinners where you don’t say a thing, break the silence with this radical question: How are things with you?