February 2019 / Scarborough, Ontario, Canada

A Word From Our Sponsor

By Anne Megahy

In keeping with the recent news of budget cutbacks, downsizing and reduction, Mother Nature has issued the following press release.

The Dept. of Human Planning and Supply (DHPS) has announced the following alterations to the human race.

Infant Division. Birth weight of a single newborn will not exceed 2.5kg. Combined weight of twins will be no more than 5kg. All infants will be born without hair and there will be a drastic cut in length of finger and toenails.

Eye colour will remain constant from birth eliminating the assumption of colour change. Colour will depend on available stock.

Internal Planning has recommended a reduction in umbilical cord length adding the present length serves no useful purpose.

Children will be allowed one set of teeth which will be completed over a period of six years. These will grow according to the child’s growth in other areas. This issue is for lifetime use.

Wisdom teeth are being removed as the word ‘wisdom’ causes untold confusion. Anticipated savings in bone mass will be stored for future consideration.

Another change under consideration is the proposal to eliminate the ‘material’ for circumcision as the choice will be removed.

Children Boy’s hair will grow to a suitable length and remain constant needing trimming only once a year. Girls hair will grow to shoulder length only.

Teens will no longer be subject to acne as the Redevelopment Dept. claims repairing tissue too time consuming and further stated that skin replacement will be available only as Head Office deems necessary.

Misc. The Human Consumption Dept. has also pared down their spending, especially in fat accumulation. Stomachs are being made smaller thereby allowing less food to be ingested resulting in no excess fat. Their study has indicated that excessive flesh is both wasteful and hard on the carrier’s skin especially when body weights continually vary resulting in unsightly stretch marks.

Also on the agenda are pregnancy terms with a possible change from nine to eight, maybe even seven month terms in future as there is no benefit in impeding a woman’s normal existence for a longer period of time. The birth process, too, will be less stressful in future.

The Supply Dept. has also announced plans for the elimination of tonsils, appendix, haemorrhoids, kidney and gall stones. The accumulated savings could provide mothers of teenagers with the resilience required to meet all predicted threats, tantrums and rock music.

Seniors are also on the agenda. Geriatric illnesses and ailments will be on the decline according to the Symptoms Dept. as it is too taxing on staff to continually conjure up new problems to be forwarded to the elderly. Details are, as yet, incomplete.

Ongoing changes will be released from Head Office as they occur.

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